The Waiting Commuter: Crazy Subway Conductors

I saw this entry today on the Overheard in NY blog. Its a rather funny entry as the only time I ever hear the voice of a subway conductor is when he/she is telling riders to stand clear of the closing doors. Although, I'm not quiet entirely sure if I believe in any of the following. I (lazily) ride the New York subway most mornings and usually the train conductor is just yelling "STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS" and sometimes a "SIR, STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS." But never any of these:

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I'm looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we're being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors.

--B Train

Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You're invited!

--1 Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There's always someone... Isn't there?

--R Train

Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don't try to force your way in. Don't block the way of the door closing either. I don't want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don't try to pry them back open. Don't try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train".

--A Train

Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It's very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don't be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers.

--B Train

Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can't wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train.

--L Train