Crazy Subway Conductors

I saw this entry today on the Overheard in NY blog. Its a rather funny entry as the only time I ever hear the voice of a subway conductor is when he/she is telling riders to stand clear of the closing doors. Although, I'm not quiet entirely sure if I believe in any of the following. I (lazily) ride the New York subway most mornings and usually the train conductor is just yelling "STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS" and sometimes a "SIR, STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS." But never any of these:

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I'm looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we're being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors.

--B Train

Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You're invited!

--1 Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There's always someone... Isn't there?

--R Train

Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don't try to force your way in. Don't block the way of the door closing either. I don't want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don't try to pry them back open. Don't try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train".

--A Train

Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It's very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don't be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers.

--B Train

Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can't wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train.

--L Train

via Overheard in New York, May 28, 2008

A Quickie...

My sister is probably hoping that I am about to recommend The Quickie by James Patterson, but I'm not.

If you're looking for a quick and light read for your commute, may I recommend The End of the Alphabet by C.S. Richardson. And when I say light, the book is only 119 pages. So, I guess its considered more of a novella. This is an "unlikely" story about Ambrose Zephyr and his wife Zappora Ashknazi (whom for "obvious reasons" kept her maiden name and likes to be called by her nickname "Zipper"). Ambrose finds out from his doctor that, Ambrose, has only a month left to live. Since there are 26 letters in the alphabet, Ambrose decides to visit different countries, cities, places, etc. in alphabetical order. Pretty impossible. And as the story starts out "unlikely."
I started off thinking, "this is ridiculous." Yet, I found myself cheering Ambrose on, and trying to guess at where he would go. This is a one-way read. It's pretty fast and decent.

What's the rush?

Now, there have been days where I've been rushing to get to work on time (Especially lately when I convinced myself that by taking the 8 o'clock train, I will get to work perfectly at 9. I don't). Every so often I see people who are rushing and I just want to tell them to slow down, take it easy, relax. Today after an internship meeting, I went to Port Authority to hop on an afternoon bus. As I was nearing towards an escalator for the 220 terminal, this older man raced passed me to go up. As I casually waited to get up to the top level, (the 220 escalator is pretty long), I watched as the man ran up the escalator, tripped, ran up again and of course tripped again.
Normally the high "schooler" in me would have tried to hold back a laugh, but instead the mom came out and I said to myself "serves you right for rushing." But then the man cursed and freaked out by swinging his briefcase up and down. When he turned around to look at me, I quickly turned my head to look at the metal walls. If he felt embarrassed, serves him right. And to finish off, after he got to the top, I ran up the escalator as elegantly as possible to be a complete jerk.

Yikes! My Bad...

Today I accidentally bumped my crotch into some poor man's hand, which he pulled away instantly. Now maybe you're thinking I'm easy or desperate, but I was just being stubborn. Now, I might have complained about this in an earlier post, but I hate when tall people refuse to use the high bars on the subway or Path trains. I'm only 5'2!

So the 33rd train heading into the city was packed, and I had found a perfect spot to hold on to. This man comes in and he starts to push me a little to move in, but I wasn't going anywhere. I leaned in a bit so he could move around me to use the "swinging handle" things that some of the Path cars have. He wouldn't move around he just kept leaning on me. So finally I moved myself forward just a tad bit more, when I suddenly felt something by my inner thigh and caught a quick flash of a hand moving away. Kind of an awkward moment.

And she's back.

Well, I'm feeling rather guilty for not keeping up with the blog. And so much has happened that I've simply forgotten most of the posts that I wanted to include. So in trying to get back into the habit of a routine. I'm going to shoot for a post a week.

Ok so here are a few things that I remember:

My train hit a car

As I was driving on the Tappan Zee Bridge on my way home from class, a truck had managed to drive up onto the side railing.

I took a double decker train to Silver Lake.

And recently the schedules changed and for some reason I just can't manage to make that 7:15 train.

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

I've been sick.

I overslept.

I just started a new semester.

I have sooooo much homework to do.

Uhhh, nothing exciting has been happening on the trains?

Ok, ok. I've been bad. I haven't been blogging. Well, hopefully with a few more cups of coffee and some spare time I can catch up. Please excuse my laziness!

I'm Anti-Bus.

So today, I was scheduled to see the Jack Kerouac exhibit on display at the New York Public Library (Arts and Humanities) building; therefore, I opted to take the bus, and walk from Port Authority to 5th Ave. By now I don't ever expect to get in before 9 when taking the bus, even when I leave before 7:30. As per usual a bus broke down in the tunnel and we were waiting in the bus lane for well over a half hour. Now, I was not upset about this little delay as the tour did not start till 10 a.m. I had given myself plenty of time. WHAT DID piss me off is that while we were waiting in the bus lane, a special announcement came over the loudspeaker:

Announcement: "Attention all operators, attention all operators, starting February 4th until February 10th, college students and post-secondary students will ride free with proof of ID."
Me: "Motherfu..."

I was so mad! Not only did I have to sit in annoyingly long traffic, next to a girl who wouldn't stop talking to her boyfriend, and a woman who was on her cell phone for the majority of the ride, but I could have sat through all of that FOR FREE!

Now my father keeps telling me that train riders can use their train pass to get on a NJ transit bus. The operators should honor them, but I'm so afraid to whip it out and then have the bus operator say "this is a bus not a train!" I try to avoid chances of embarrassment.

So anyways yes, if you plan on coming into the city during this week and you still have your school IDs, then you can ride for free. ::shakes fist in air::